My terrible nightmare

  I have a patch of rashes last year thinking that it could me due to sunlight i ignored it...

I never had any intentions to see any doctor as i thought it is just a small rash patch and nothing more...  Until after CNY i had a pain in my wrist which does not allow me to do much work i decided to visit the polyclinic since my kids are visitng the doctor. The doctor there told me is fungal infections and gave me some creams to apply. After a week or two the rashes started to turn red and it's getting bigger.. My uncle out of kindness gave me a cream to apply. the rashes started to have pus and rough patches. the skin is dead, it started itching and have blood when i scratches it.. it became very sensitive.

  I went to a GP due to my cyst in my breast had inflammation that is needed to be removed and doctor suggested that i do a punch biopsy on my hand. A very intelligent and attentive doctor cause the moment he saw my hand he told me this is definitely not normal... And so i did 2 minor surgery ; removing of my inflammation cyst and a punch biopsy. The result came four days later and this new struck me so hard that my mind went blank immediately. I was told that i might have Lymphoma. Yes! It's a cancer. I always thought that lymphoma should me a bump growing on our lymph node. I never thought that it will be growing on my skin! "It's a rare case." the doctor said. 

  The GP made an appointment for me to visit Singapore National Cancer Center in SGH (Singapore General Hospital). I cried daily for the next two weeks while waiting for my NCCS appointment to arrive. I made so many plans thinking that if i cannot be cured what i SHOULD do for my remaining days. My parents, My in laws, my kids and my husband are all putting a strong front to show me that i have to be strong. All of them dare not shed a single tear in front of me worrying that i will be even more upset. My dad was worried that i might fall into depression as i am  prone to depression (had depression three times in the past). My mum called everyday to check that i was okay. Texts from people from my families and extended families asking if i was alright. My mother in law dropping by everyday to help me around. My father in law always checking up on me to see i'm ok. My sister in law always checking on me after every doctor's visit to see if my results are good. M brothers refuse to bring up a word worrying that i might cry every time i'm reminded of my conditions.

   

  The NCCS appointment date arrived. I waited anxiously outside the clinic and when it was my turn to see the doctor, he arranged for me to do another biopsy and this time it is not just a punch but i had to remove a patch of my skin to run more test. He said that lymphoma is a tricky kind of cancer and there are many types of cell. Surgery was arranged for next morning. The whole surgery was a nightmare. The doctors did not know what they were supposed to do. They were looking for lumps which i do not have. They were unsure of the skin size that was needed to be removed from my hands. I sat outside the operation theater refusing to enter feeling scared and i will enter only they find out what they are suppose to do. The result came two weeks later. A terrible and suffering two weeks. Every night i dream of myself going through chemotherapy and i couldn't take the torment and i chose to commit suicide leaving all my pains behind. I chose to give up on myself and run away from the tormenting treatments. I woke up every morning feeling the fear in me. The fear in leaving the loving people around me. I cried every time i thought of all these fears and illness.

  The day the result came, I sat anxiously in the clinic looking at the apprehentice doctor with fear that it will be a bad news. "According to the report, you are free from cancer." and he goes erm... hmmm.... eh..... he look unsure. Iwas uncomfortable with the unsure answers from him. I started questioning him back. My doctor then came in and ask his apprehentice to call lab to confirm every thing again. I was like, WTH!! We sat outside waiting patiently and me feeling angrily. The doctor called for us again to confirm that i do not have cancer and arrange for me to visit the auto immunity doctor cause this might be the actual cause. Leaving the hospital feeling unsure i know i need another doctor's opinion.

  I took both of my biopsy report and went to a clinic in Ang Mo Kio, a trusted and experienced doctor that all my family always go to. He read my report and told me indeed i am free of cancer but i do have lymphocytes in me. Whether the lymphocytes will turn cancerous is another issue and he wouldn't be able to answer me cause i need to have my auto immune cured first. The lymphocytes may disappear after treatments or maybe it will just turn cancerous (it's only a matter of time). Till today i still feel insecure and i will need to wait till this coming Friday before i see the auto immunity doctor to finalize everything. Lesson learnt; avoid too much of a direct sunlight, it is TRUE that the sunlight if getting more and more harmful. Wear a cap, sunglasses or even bring an umbrella for shades. Do not be lazy and go through these hassles like me. Going under knives three times in a month, feeling unsure and insecure with those complicated reports, visiting so many doctors yet still couldn't tell what exactly is wrong with me and worrying our love ones making them suffer together with me. 

                        

  For now, we can only just pray. Just pray that it is auto immunity and the treatments will kill the lymphocytes in me. Pray that everything will be fine for me and my family.